The Puppy Bowl, the world’s finest example of counter-programming, has become a Super Sunday staple. Puppy Bowl VIII debuts on Sunday at 3 p.m. on Animal Planet . What follows is a brief and 100% false scouting report of the top competitors in Sunday’s competition.
Animal Planet
Prancer. Female. Shih Tzu/Chihuahua Mix .
Prancer has been a lonesome drifter since Jerry Garcia’s death in 1995 and the time of her last bath in unknown. Prancer lacks the aggression of some of the fiercer animals in the field, but her toughness is legendary. This will be Prancer’s first Puppy Bowl, but she’s competed for years in the underground equivalent, the Cage of Puppy Mayhem, which is contested on a concrete floor in a dirty basement in Queens (Spike TV counterprograms it against the World Series of Poker). Prancer is a two-time CPM champion, winning once with two broken legs. They have never healed.
Animal Planet
Friday. Male. Maltese/Poodle Mix .
Friday’s foofie appearance belies an inner anger born out of years of trying to convince people that he’s a boy. He’s not a powerhouse and his mouth is small ” just big enough to bite off the tip of a human pinky. Friday has 53 human pinkies in his collection.
Animal Planet
Malie. Female. Pit Bull Mix .
The rumor on the Puppy Bowl sidelines is that Michael Vick once looked at Malie and said, “Nope. I ain’t messin’ with that one,” and then peed on himself. Vick had a mistaken impression, though ” Malie isn’t a vicious, ill-tempered, dog-beast; she just looks like it. She’ll fare well in the competition based on intimidation alone, but inside, she’s nothing but a well-meaning sweetheart who loves children, because people get really mad when you say that Pit Bulls are mean.
Animal Planet
Leroy Brown. Male. Chihuahua/Terrier Mix .
Leroy Brown may one day be an inspiring story about an alcoholic who turned his life around, but for now, Leroy Brown is still just an alcoholic, and a dangerous one at that. Leroy’s lack of a conscience or anything to live for make him dangerous inside the Puppy Bown arena. Fumble (see below) used to have a brother named Drop, until Leroy jammed a shank into his ribcage our sheer boredom.
Animal Planet
Hunter. Male. Boxer .
Hunter would be one of the heavy favorites in Puppy Bowl VIII, if he could keep his sex addiction in check. Hunter’s legendary exploits with the kittens who perform the Puppy Bowl halftime show (for portions of this Puppy Bowl scouting report, all dogs are boys and all cats are girls) have previously kept him out of the winner’s circle. This year, Animal Planet is also bringing in a Piggy Pep Squad, and in recent interviews, Hunter has indicated that he doesn’t care about the difference between a cute kitten and a squealing pig.
Animal Planet
Fumble. Male. Chihuahua/Terrier Mix .
Fumble is in Puppy Bowl VIII to attempt to avenge the murder of his brother Drop at the hands of Leroy Brown, but most experts doubt that he’s capable of it. Anytime Fumble manages to boil himself into a vengeful rage, some human comes up to him with a big smile and a giggle, saying, “Awww, Fumble, I love you!” and he melts into a frisky little ball of adorable puppy joy. The blessing and the curse.
Animal Planet
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